Mourn

45553917436f4b0d2197b50933481e62 There comes a time in every author’s life where they have to mourn. Mourn time lost. Mourn lost opportunities.

But the worst kind of mourning is one that doesn’t really have to do with our writing. The problem is not our style, our grammar, or our punctuation. It’s not our ideas or even our choice of genre.

It’s mourning readers that we’d want to have. Sometimes, we think that our family, our friends, maybe even our colleagues, will be our first readers when we finally let them see what we’ve been writing. But they rarely are.

I’m struggling with that these days. I’ve stopped posting stories online because the website I used has disappointed me to a ‘no turning back’ level, which means I don’t get comments on what I write. That’s hard for me. Comments fueled me and my work.

The only way I could get comments again would be for me to post fanfiction again. But it’s not on those I need encouragements with. I know I shouldn’t need them. I know I should write for myself without expecting in return. I know I should aim to be published and work hard toward that goal and I am.

But those days when I sit in front of a blank page and doubt every single word I type, thinking I’ll be published doesn’t uplift me because there’s no guarantee I will be no matter how hard I work.

So, I have to mourn and keep pushing, head down into my work. It won’t be easy, but I’ll have to do it.

 

June writing challenge: Day 4

What is your dream job?

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Funnily enough, I have my dream job at the moment. My first dream job, that is.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a nurse because my cousin Annie was one and she impressed me so much with her skills. Once, I even ‘accidentally’ injured myself so she’d care for me (I ‘fell’ into a ditch). Then I realized I’d have to do so many things that gross me out that I just shifted my dream job.

In my teenage years, I wanted to do something with reading. I devoured books one after the other, wrote in journals. But I talked more than I listened/read/wrote. I went to college in Literature and felt like I wasn’t in the right place. I still got my degree but to what end? I didn’t feel like going to university. (two different schools in my area). So I went to study in something completely different, baking.

Yup. Every day for four months, I made pie dough, cake I hated, whipped stuff I didn’t want to eat. It was hell. I dropped out without telling my dad, with whom I lived at that moment.

Then I saw an ad for a radio school. I called in to inquire about it and the voice on the other end just knocked my socks off. I knew that was what I wanted to do. That school year was the best/hardest/most expensive year of schooling in my life. But it was worth every penny, every late night, every heartache.

Fifteen years and a day later – really – my dream isn’t the same anymore. I feel like I’ve put on slippers. I don’t feel challenged and valued at work anymore. But my anxiety keeps me from moving forward. I’m doing my best to work on that and get on to something I love.

In the meantime, I write write write. That is my dream now. To be a full-time author. If anyone is hiring, let me know! 😉

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June writing challenge day 3

Someone you’re grateful for.

Ugh, I don’t like this! If I name one person, others could feel put aside which is not the goal of this challenge. There are many people I’m grateful in my life, knowing they make a difference every day.

For some, it’s words of encouragement; others, simple gestures. Some are there to listen, to make me laugh, to uplift me. I need all of them in my life so choosing just one is extremely hard for me.

I’m grateful for friendships with so many people. I’m grateful for those who believe I can make it as a writer. I’m grateful for whoever thought of using cocoa beans to make chocolate. I’m grateful for kittens, bunnies, and dogs. I’m grateful for those who can stand me at my worst. I’m grateful for impromptu girls night. I’m grateful for movie nights. I’m grateful for a lovely sunrise at five in the morning.

Being grateful doesn’t end at a person.

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June writing challenge: Day 2

A song that makes you happy.

Wow… I wish the question was more specific, because a lot of things in my life, mainly my job, revolve around music. Many songs make me happy but for different reasons.

Let’s say in general, I would have to say that one of my absolute favorites is this one:

June writing challenge: Day 1

What did you have for breakfast?

Fairly simple question. I eat the same thing every day save for one ingredient that changes. A banana, two apples, a 0% fat Greek yogurt with bran oats, and a breakfast muffin/bar I bake myself.

The only thing that changes is the recipe of the muffin/bar, day after day. And yes, it gets boring! *grins*

I don’t eat at home in the morning because I’m not hungry at 5am. So, I eat at work, at my pace.

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Do all the things!

Sorry I’ve been away for a while. I’ve been having some personal issues that have made me…antisocial. I’d rather stay away than whine.

My writing has progressed quite well, in the midst of my antisocial days. Let’s just say that a project I’ve revived used to be nine chapters once final and at the moment, I’m into the ninth chapter of the revival…and what’s happening right now used to be in chapter three. Sooo…looks like it’s going well, isn’t it?

In the meantime, I’m waiting to hear about an anthology I submitted to and a project with two other authors. I’m taking the last turn to write about 30,000 words. *gasps*

Also, I’ll be going to my first Comic Con evaaah! Montreal Comic Con early July, you will see me go around as Lydia from the movie Beetlejuice. I have almost everything I need and I’m so excite!!

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I might get the chance to meet David Tennant, James Marsters, or Nathan Fillion. *insert a squee* It’ll all depend on my finances and the prices of the photo ops. I aim for Tennant, of course! #Tenth #Kilgrave #Hardy But I’d love to meet the other two. I watched Nathan in One Life to Live, then onto everything else he’s done…almost (and yes, I’m that old to have watched him in OLTL). As for James…what else can I say but SPIIIIKE!! 😀 I’ll know about a week before I go.

Also new in my life, I’ll soon be on kitty trial. Yes, a judgmental cat will enter my home…

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I have an allergy to cats but it’s been declining quite a lot in the past year, enough that I’ve contacted the local shelter to see if I can bring a cat home for a few days and keep it if all goes well. These are the three I picked first (if they haven’t been adopted yet).

I’m just as excited by this, though the kitty wouldn’t have a forever home with me until the end of July. I don’t want to leave it alone for two weeks during my vacation. Wouldn’t be fair, would it?

Don’t forget that tomorrow, we start the June writing challenge. Will you be there?

Let me leave you with my song of the week = inspiration for the soul.

Challenge…accepted!

264331_c966ef30d1022c652538ae8c35bfc4dcdcc792f1Since I’ve started my blog, I’ve been looking for a challenge; a writing challenge of course. Over the years, I’ve had many blogs and at some point, either trolls of lack of interest made me stop.

So, once in a while, I need to challenge myself. For the month of June, I want to try that. If you’re interested in doing it along with me, here’s the full list.

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From what I found about this challenge, this is what is required.

Take part in the #30dayLFTchallenge, created by Live For Tomorrow – a project for those that are struggling with, care about, or are affected by youth suicide, depression, alcohol use, self-harm and bullying.

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@livefortmw

As some of you know, I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, some bouts of depression. I’ve also been the victim of bullying for in primary school and high school. So mental health issues are very important to me, hence the reason I chose this challenge.

If you’re joining me starting June 1st on your blog, on your Facebook account, on your Tumblr account, please let me know in comments. I’d love to read you!

See you June 1st!

It’s the loneliness that’s a killer

55aea4771200002c0013ae6aMy title is a line from a 90s hit by Seal (Killer). These days, it keeps tumbling in my mind. Sure, I love the song, but it’s mostly the meaning behind it.

Before I left for my vacation, I’d be feeling lonely for a while. Now that I’m home after a week spent with my best friends, it’s even worst. But I’m not alone. I spend half my day at work. I have more social activities now that I’ve taken care of some anxiety issues.

But in the pit of my stomach, that same weight it there. My heart still feels heavy and I feel so alone. It might be my meds, too. I’m seeing my doctor on Friday.

What worries me is that she’ll have me stay on the meds just because of this feeling. I’m not in therapy anymore but I feel alright about that. I don’t think talking to a professional about this would change anything.  So staying on my meds would mean more issues with my weight, which doesn’t help my mood.

*sigh* The last time I felt this lonely, I was in my first year of college in a new city where I didn’t know anyone. I had a genuinely good reason to feel lonely. I don’t, this time. So, what is it?

Maybe I’m mistaking loneliness for something else, I don’t know. I just don’t like feeling the way I do. I also know that I’ve been like a robot lately; robot as in emotionless. What used to make me cry easily – for good reason – doesn’t move me at all anymore.

The best example is one of my favorite characters on one of my favorite show died. I didn’t shed a tear; I barely reacted. Not so long ago, I would’ve bawled. What’s weird about that is that I was a crybaby before taking my meds and it stabilized after the meds. Now, it’s the total opposite.

I’m all sorts of weird, aren’t I? A lonely weirdo.

Dear Chris

chris-cornellThis morning at five in the morning, I opened my browser to my usual news pages to catch up with what happened in the world while I was asleep.

I saw your beautiful face with a half grin toward the camera. Then, I read ‘Chris Cornell, dead at 52’. I’ll admit, I let out a scream. Then I cried. Genuine tears of pain for a man that soothed my teenage years with angsty music, brilliant lyrics, and amazing stage presence.

For the last twenty-five years, you’ve been present in my life through your music. I can’t believe I’ll never hear anything new from that amazing mind of yours.

A few hours later, I found out that you committed suicide in the late hours of the night. What happened, Chris? What was so dark in your life that you couldn’t see the light anymore? Couldn’t your wife help? Your children? Your bandmates?

There were so many options that you could’ve reached out to get help. But in your state of mind, it might have been too hard for you. Without making a pun, that black hole might have been too deep for you to crawl out of to reach out. And I’m so sorry it came to that for you.

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I’ve known this kind of pain, the one where you think you’re drowning in your pain, screaming to crawl out of your own skin. I’ve made the move to end it once and stopped myself. I’ve thought about it many times after that as well. I wish someone had seen this pain in you and helped you.

You’ll be missed, Chris, more than you’ll ever know. I hope that wherever you are, you have found the peace you couldn’t find in this life.

To anyone in need of help, reach out now!

USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ‘1-800-273-TALK (8255)’

CANADA: Canadian Associate for Suicide Prevention 

 

 

 

 

Doubts

I just told my editor I want to vomit in my mouth.

She said I shouldn’t because it doesn’t taste good.

That’s just what I needed… The novel I’m writing/re-writing at the moment has a new life…a new life that could turn out to be so huge that it could take a few years of my life. Not that I mind but I’m afraid I’m taking on something bigger than me.

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All the normal doubts are going through my mind these days. Can I pull this off? Am I good enough? Will readers enjoy it? Will I find a publisher that believes in me?

You know, when I kept saying at 12-13 years old that I’d write a novel, I didn’t think that twenty years later, I would already have three novels under my belt but still doubt every single word I’d write, in what order, just to make sure my ideas are clear on paper.

I have amazing readers, people that encourage me, even friends that do want to read what I write. But even with that, crippling doubts fill me when I sit down to write on a daily basis. That’s usually when I let anything and everything distract me and I get absolutely nowhere.

If you have a way to make those doubts shut up, be my guest. I’ll take any suggestions.