It’s the loneliness that’s a killer

55aea4771200002c0013ae6aMy title is a line from a 90s hit by Seal (Killer). These days, it keeps tumbling in my mind. Sure, I love the song, but it’s mostly the meaning behind it.

Before I left for my vacation, I’d be feeling lonely for a while. Now that I’m home after a week spent with my best friends, it’s even worst. But I’m not alone. I spend half my day at work. I have more social activities now that I’ve taken care of some anxiety issues.

But in the pit of my stomach, that same weight it there. My heart still feels heavy and I feel so alone. It might be my meds, too. I’m seeing my doctor on Friday.

What worries me is that she’ll have me stay on the meds just because of this feeling. I’m not in therapy anymore but I feel alright about that. I don’t think talking to a professional about this would change anything.  So staying on my meds would mean more issues with my weight, which doesn’t help my mood.

*sigh* The last time I felt this lonely, I was in my first year of college in a new city where I didn’t know anyone. I had a genuinely good reason to feel lonely. I don’t, this time. So, what is it?

Maybe I’m mistaking loneliness for something else, I don’t know. I just don’t like feeling the way I do. I also know that I’ve been like a robot lately; robot as in emotionless. What used to make me cry easily – for good reason – doesn’t move me at all anymore.

The best example is one of my favorite characters on one of my favorite show died. I didn’t shed a tear; I barely reacted. Not so long ago, I would’ve bawled. What’s weird about that is that I was a crybaby before taking my meds and it stabilized after the meds. Now, it’s the total opposite.

I’m all sorts of weird, aren’t I? A lonely weirdo.


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