Do all the things!

Sorry I’ve been away for a while. I’ve been having some personal issues that have made me…antisocial. I’d rather stay away than whine.

My writing has progressed quite well, in the midst of my antisocial days. Let’s just say that a project I’ve revived used to be nine chapters once final and at the moment, I’m into the ninth chapter of the revival…and what’s happening right now used to be in chapter three. Sooo…looks like it’s going well, isn’t it?

In the meantime, I’m waiting to hear about an anthology I submitted to and a project with two other authors. I’m taking the last turn to write about 30,000 words. *gasps*

Also, I’ll be going to my first Comic Con evaaah! Montreal Comic Con early July, you will see me go around as Lydia from the movie Beetlejuice. I have almost everything I need and I’m so excite!!

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I might get the chance to meet David Tennant, James Marsters, or Nathan Fillion. *insert a squee* It’ll all depend on my finances and the prices of the photo ops. I aim for Tennant, of course! #Tenth #Kilgrave #Hardy But I’d love to meet the other two. I watched Nathan in One Life to Live, then onto everything else he’s done…almost (and yes, I’m that old to have watched him in OLTL). As for James…what else can I say but SPIIIIKE!! 😀 I’ll know about a week before I go.

Also new in my life, I’ll soon be on kitty trial. Yes, a judgmental cat will enter my home…

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I have an allergy to cats but it’s been declining quite a lot in the past year, enough that I’ve contacted the local shelter to see if I can bring a cat home for a few days and keep it if all goes well. These are the three I picked first (if they haven’t been adopted yet).

I’m just as excited by this, though the kitty wouldn’t have a forever home with me until the end of July. I don’t want to leave it alone for two weeks during my vacation. Wouldn’t be fair, would it?

Don’t forget that tomorrow, we start the June writing challenge. Will you be there?

Let me leave you with my song of the week = inspiration for the soul.

Challenge…accepted!

264331_c966ef30d1022c652538ae8c35bfc4dcdcc792f1Since I’ve started my blog, I’ve been looking for a challenge; a writing challenge of course. Over the years, I’ve had many blogs and at some point, either trolls of lack of interest made me stop.

So, once in a while, I need to challenge myself. For the month of June, I want to try that. If you’re interested in doing it along with me, here’s the full list.

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From what I found about this challenge, this is what is required.

Take part in the #30dayLFTchallenge, created by Live For Tomorrow – a project for those that are struggling with, care about, or are affected by youth suicide, depression, alcohol use, self-harm and bullying.

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@livefortmw

As some of you know, I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, some bouts of depression. I’ve also been the victim of bullying for in primary school and high school. So mental health issues are very important to me, hence the reason I chose this challenge.

If you’re joining me starting June 1st on your blog, on your Facebook account, on your Tumblr account, please let me know in comments. I’d love to read you!

See you June 1st!

It’s the loneliness that’s a killer

55aea4771200002c0013ae6aMy title is a line from a 90s hit by Seal (Killer). These days, it keeps tumbling in my mind. Sure, I love the song, but it’s mostly the meaning behind it.

Before I left for my vacation, I’d be feeling lonely for a while. Now that I’m home after a week spent with my best friends, it’s even worst. But I’m not alone. I spend half my day at work. I have more social activities now that I’ve taken care of some anxiety issues.

But in the pit of my stomach, that same weight it there. My heart still feels heavy and I feel so alone. It might be my meds, too. I’m seeing my doctor on Friday.

What worries me is that she’ll have me stay on the meds just because of this feeling. I’m not in therapy anymore but I feel alright about that. I don’t think talking to a professional about this would change anything.  So staying on my meds would mean more issues with my weight, which doesn’t help my mood.

*sigh* The last time I felt this lonely, I was in my first year of college in a new city where I didn’t know anyone. I had a genuinely good reason to feel lonely. I don’t, this time. So, what is it?

Maybe I’m mistaking loneliness for something else, I don’t know. I just don’t like feeling the way I do. I also know that I’ve been like a robot lately; robot as in emotionless. What used to make me cry easily – for good reason – doesn’t move me at all anymore.

The best example is one of my favorite characters on one of my favorite show died. I didn’t shed a tear; I barely reacted. Not so long ago, I would’ve bawled. What’s weird about that is that I was a crybaby before taking my meds and it stabilized after the meds. Now, it’s the total opposite.

I’m all sorts of weird, aren’t I? A lonely weirdo.

Dear Chris

chris-cornellThis morning at five in the morning, I opened my browser to my usual news pages to catch up with what happened in the world while I was asleep.

I saw your beautiful face with a half grin toward the camera. Then, I read ‘Chris Cornell, dead at 52’. I’ll admit, I let out a scream. Then I cried. Genuine tears of pain for a man that soothed my teenage years with angsty music, brilliant lyrics, and amazing stage presence.

For the last twenty-five years, you’ve been present in my life through your music. I can’t believe I’ll never hear anything new from that amazing mind of yours.

A few hours later, I found out that you committed suicide in the late hours of the night. What happened, Chris? What was so dark in your life that you couldn’t see the light anymore? Couldn’t your wife help? Your children? Your bandmates?

There were so many options that you could’ve reached out to get help. But in your state of mind, it might have been too hard for you. Without making a pun, that black hole might have been too deep for you to crawl out of to reach out. And I’m so sorry it came to that for you.

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I’ve known this kind of pain, the one where you think you’re drowning in your pain, screaming to crawl out of your own skin. I’ve made the move to end it once and stopped myself. I’ve thought about it many times after that as well. I wish someone had seen this pain in you and helped you.

You’ll be missed, Chris, more than you’ll ever know. I hope that wherever you are, you have found the peace you couldn’t find in this life.

To anyone in need of help, reach out now!

USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ‘1-800-273-TALK (8255)’

CANADA: Canadian Associate for Suicide Prevention 

 

 

 

 

Doubts

I just told my editor I want to vomit in my mouth.

She said I shouldn’t because it doesn’t taste good.

That’s just what I needed… The novel I’m writing/re-writing at the moment has a new life…a new life that could turn out to be so huge that it could take a few years of my life. Not that I mind but I’m afraid I’m taking on something bigger than me.

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All the normal doubts are going through my mind these days. Can I pull this off? Am I good enough? Will readers enjoy it? Will I find a publisher that believes in me?

You know, when I kept saying at 12-13 years old that I’d write a novel, I didn’t think that twenty years later, I would already have three novels under my belt but still doubt every single word I’d write, in what order, just to make sure my ideas are clear on paper.

I have amazing readers, people that encourage me, even friends that do want to read what I write. But even with that, crippling doubts fill me when I sit down to write on a daily basis. That’s usually when I let anything and everything distract me and I get absolutely nowhere.

If you have a way to make those doubts shut up, be my guest. I’ll take any suggestions.

Spring Cleaning: my personal tricks

For some, it’s called Spring Cleaning. For me, it’s called, ‘Eh, I was bored and needed to declutter’. I don’t wait for spring to arrive to start going through closets and drawers.

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Just now, I finished re-arranging my closet and it still bothers me. I had to play Tetris with containers and clothes. Thing is, when you live in a one-bedroom apartment, there’s so much space you have. And I don’t want to use the storage room accessible to me in my building. Simply because I don’t trust the other tenants and also because one of them smokes and all his stuff smells of it. I don’t want the smell to get stuck to my things. The only things I leave in here are my tires.

Want some tricks to get on with yours and not be discouraged by the amount of work? Here you go, free of charge:

Do only one room at a time. Your parents taught you to finish your tasks? It’s the same thing here. Start one room and finish it before starting another.

The Golden Rule: If you haven’t used it in a year, OUT! If you hesitate, try to name one thing you could do with the thing. Can’t? OUT! Recycle, repair, or throw out if it’s beyond repair.

Sticky dust: declutter before actually cleaning shelves and walls (if you go that far. It’ll stop from catching dust on freshly cleaned areas.

Short? I use a Swiffer thingie to clean the walls instead of standing on a chair and moving it over and over. Less time cleaning and still as nice. But for the love of Mr. Clean, DON’T USE FLOORING CLEANER ON WALLS!

Store & Stack: Containers are your friends. Big and small. Store together similar things (crafts and arts, clothes – summer/winter).

Bills, bills, bills: I hate having bills lying around and I don’t have an entrance dresser – ain’t nobody got space for that. I have an old decorated shoebox in which I pile up bills. When the box is full, I file them in the box they will be for a year – or seven, if it’s tax stuff. Yes, seven years is the normal amount of year you keep tax documents.

How many? I used to have so many books. Just as many DVDs. True, I’m a book lover, writer, and cinephile. But I don’t have the storage space to keep everything. I bought a flipper storage case for my movies, only keeping the DVDs/Blu Rays. As for books, I kept the ones I knew I’d re-read and the unread. All the others were listed and will be/have been bought on my tablet. It’s not the same, I know, but it freed so much space!

That shirt is how old? My comfy/sicky shirt is 20 years old. I can tell you when and where I bought it. I can’t physically bring myself to get rid of it. BUT…a clothes cleaning is necessary. If you haven’t worn something in over a year, chances are you won’t again. Charity shops, local shelters, or even your own clothes charity sale can be done! Also…upcycling clothes can be fun. Look that up on Pinterest.

Mama no! Stop your mother/parents, from giving you their old stuff. Or, at least, ask yourself if you really need those things. If it’s a family heirloom, go for it. But if it was your grandma’s broken whisk, what will you do with it? Un-break it? Nope! Ouuuut! I moved out on my own 15 years ago and still have pots and pans my father gave me. Why? Because I use them. But I gave away an old meat cutter. Why? When do I ever make roast? I live alone!!

I can’t breaaaaff! While you clean, open the windows. Let fresh air in, especially if you sealed the windows for winter like I do. Recycling your air is a thang, you know! And also, it feels like spring really is here.

Happy cleaning!

Traveling in my mind

From the age of three up until now, I’ve traveled extensively. But all this time, only a handful of those trips were ones I chose to do and wanted to take; the joy of divorce parents taking you from one parent to the other.

Do you have a favorite place to travel to? Where do you dream of going?

I’ve had a travel bucket list for as long as I can remember. Some places are specific, others vague.

Scotland

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The land of part of my ancestors (the others are French), Scotland has been at the top of the list along with London since I was a child. The moors, the wind, the accent; everything about it attracts me. Well, almost everything. You won’t see me eat haggis anytime soon!

London

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That comes from a book, actually. When I was 10-12 years old, I read a novel my mother had in her bookcase about twins exchanging their lives for a week. Tragedy strikes and one is stuck in the life of the other. One of the twins lives in London and wherever she went seemed magical for a pre-teen. But it never really left me and I still want to go!

Australia

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The sun, the accent, the food, the welcoming people, the beaches, minus ALL THE THINGS THAT CAN KILL ME!! I don’t know, there’s something about Australia that seems so mysterious, maybe because I’m so far away.

New Zealand

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You might think it’s a Lord of the Rings thing but it’s not. I studied a little of the Maori culture in college and it fascinates me still today. The scenery is gorgeous and sheep, sheep everywhere!!

Japan

Hirosaki Castle.

Only for the cherry tree blooming season. I don’t consider myself a die hard Japan lover but for someone like me who does amateur photography, this would be a dream. Catching a glimpse of all those colors and keep them for me for a while longer.

Italy

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Mostly for its countryside. I’m not attracted to the big tourist spots but by those villas, wineries and so on. I don’t drink wine but I love the way it’s made. I barely eat pasta but seriously, look at them being made! And ALL THE CHEESES!!

How about you? Where do you want to go?

When a woman gets the blues

I got back from my holiday yesterday at five in the morning. Without thinking any further, I crashed into bed for a few hours of much-needed sleep. It was only when I came home after a baby shower yesterday afternoon that ‘it’ hit me.  The vacation grief. The Blues. The sadness.

I want to be home as much as I want a root canal. All I want right now is to jump in my car and drive back to see my friends again. I’m sitting here, weepy, missing them. And this hollow feeling that just won’t go away. I got used to living away from my friends and family but I never said it was always easy.

I’ll now be going through the five stages of vacation blues. You might know them.

1- Denial

No, I’m not home. No, I’m not going back to work tomorrow. No, I’m not getting back in my ass-crack-of-dawn routine. No. NO.

2- Anger

Why do I have so much laundry to do? Do I really have to start cooking again? Why in the hell do I have so much work to do since I cleared everything when I left? I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK!

3-Bargaining

It’ll be fine. I’ll get back into the shape of things only if I take it one day at a time. Maybe I can figure this out before it figures me out.

4- Depression

I want to lie in bed, eat my weight in chocolate, skip showers and clothes. Why is the sun so bright? Bring me junk food. Leave me alone, I suck.

5- Acceptance

Why not just buy my ticket for my next vacation? Then I can look forward to something.

Right now, I’m at stage 2 with a little of stage 4. I should be at stage 5 within a week or two. For the moment, I’m wrapped in a blanket, watching reruns of Supernatural, trying to get my mind into continuing my novel.

What to you do when you get the blues?

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Vacation lists

511646_12704_613757Your humble servant is leaving for a short week on vacation at the end of the week to meet the Apocalyptical Goddesses, a.k.a my best friends in Montreal. I’m the kind of person that makes lists; clothes, things to do before I leave, things to pass the time during traveling. As an author, writing things down is natural.

So, here I am, sharing my wisdom in case you need it.

What to bring on vacation

  • Appropriate clothes. That means leave the work clothes behind. You like flashy clothes? BRING THEM!
  • Sunshades. You will NEED and WANT the sunshine during your time off. That pale shade you are…it’s the lack of sun. Don’t worry, you won’t melt.
  • A book. Not yours. You need a break.
  • A notebook. Yes, that’s allowed to note down ideas. Loki knows they come at odd times.
  • Your imaginary friends. It’s that time when you can allow yourself to daydream and not have consequences befall you.
  • Good music. That kind you hide because you’re scared people will judge you.
  • Your zen attitude. If it doesn’t the rest of the time, it should on vacation.
  • Money. It’s time to spoil yourself.

What to leave home on vacation

  • Your stress. Really, do you need it while you’re away from what stresses you?
  • Your other half. Unless you rarely spend time together.
  • The dark circles under your eyes. Time to rest up and sleep in!
  • The everyday worries. You won’t need them.
  • Those uncomfortable shoes. Leave the high heels or the loafers. Time to show toes and get your feet to breathe.
  • That character that nags at you because you can’t write it. He/She will be here when you come back.
  • If you’re really daring…leave your cell phone home. Good luck with that.

Catch you when I get back! *winks*