*deep breath out*
I have to keep doing that these days to remind myself that A-I’m human and not a machine, and B-I made the right decision.
The fear of failure is ever present in me. Even more so in the last few years. I want to succeed so much that I keep forgetting to make the most of the experience, to learn from it.
I’ve been wanting to write a novel since I was a teenager; being one of those people that said ‘I’m going to write a book’. I actually did it three times already. So, when the pitch I made was accepted for a novel idea I had for about 3 years, I was ecstatic. I had a hard time describing how I truly felt.
A week later, I had a severe anxiety attack about it all. What if I fail? What if it’s not good? What if the publisher changes her mind and backs out? What if… I hate that expression. It only leads to more self doubt but I can’t seem to get it out of my mind or vocabulary.
My friend and editor had to sit me down, virtually -thank you, Interwebs, for amazing friends- and bring me back to reality. I’m allowed to be afraid, I’m allowed to doubt, but not enough to stop me. This is my dream and I’ve worked really hard in the last years to get better at writing and to feed my passion. I can’t stop now when I’m that much closer to reaching my goal.
But that’s what we do, as authors. Doubt every word we write. Erase. Write. Erase. Re-write. It’s exhausting but I can’t help it. It’s weird, isn’t it? Like I can’t let myself be fully happy about it and work in joy for my story to be better.
But mark my words: I’m not giving up.