*deep breath out*
I have to keep doing that these days to remind myself that A-I’m human and not a machine, and B-I made the right decision.
The fear of failure is ever present in me. Even more so in the last few years. I want to succeed so much that I keep forgetting to make the most of the experience, to learn from it.
I’ve been wanting to write a novel since I was a teenager; being one of those people that said ‘I’m going to write a book’. I actually did it three times already. So, when the pitch I made was accepted for a novel idea I had for about 3 years, I was ecstatic. I had a hard time describing how I truly felt.
A week later, I had a severe anxiety attack about it all. What if I fail? What if it’s not good? What if the publisher changes her mind and backs out? What if… I hate that expression. It only leads to more self doubt but I can’t seem to get it out of my mind or vocabulary.
My friend and editor had to sit me down, virtually -thank you, Interwebs, for amazing friends- and bring me back to reality. I’m allowed to be afraid, I’m allowed to doubt, but not enough to stop me. This is my dream and I’ve worked really hard in the last years to get better at writing and to feed my passion. I can’t stop now when I’m that much closer to reaching my goal.
But that’s what we do, as authors. Doubt every word we write. Erase. Write. Erase. Re-write. It’s exhausting but I can’t help it. It’s weird, isn’t it? Like I can’t let myself be fully happy about it and work in joy for my story to be better.
But mark my words: I’m not giving up.
Whatever your work or your passion in life, appearances are important. Even if you don’t want to, it’s important. It can give life to a project or kill it.
Thing is, the first impression can be deceiving and it can take a long time for you to realize that you’ve got it wrong.
Lately, I’ve hit a dead end with a project I thought would be long term. A nice facade brought me in and I gave the project all I had until I realized it wouldn’t work. I thought I wasn’t enough but I was wrong. I was enough, I still am; I just chose the wrong project.
For a while now, I felt like I was in a slump. It’s hard to see that you’ve failed and believed sweet promises that meant absolutely nothing.
But you know what? There’s a silver lining. I found out not long after quitting that I wasn’t the only one in that situation and that I didn’t imagine things.
This time, it was for a writing project. But it’s happened before when I volunteered or even at work.
What’s the point of all this? Don’t judge yourself too hard. Appearances are important, yes, but following up on what you put out, keeping your reputation intact is even more important.
I’d rather have my integrity and enjoy what I do, then spotlights and bling that doesn’t mean anything.
When you work hard, good things can happen to you.
I’m surprised I’m the one saying that but…it’s true. I never thought I’d really be here one day, on the verge of touching my dream. But I am.
I can’t tell you all the details just yet, only a simple hint. Some will understand, some will be left in the dark. But I promise, as soon as I can, I’ll tell you!
In the meantime, never stop reaching for that star. The path may be full of obstacles but it’ll happen.
A new beginning with this blog to keep you posted about what’s going on with my writing career and some other fun things.
So far, I’ve been published with Love Slave, Lit Select, Sexy Littles Pages, and Gallery Books.
I’m working hard on a new/old project which I hope will be available to you within a year.
It’s an exciting time to be a writer!