RooOOOOllllerrrCOOOOAASSTerrr

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Yeah, that’s been me these past two weeks. Trust me, I know I’m annoying. Thing is, I was attempting, along with my doctor, to wean off my anxiety medication. I’ve been on Lexapro (Cipralex in Canada) for over a year now and it was never the goal to remain on them forever. It was only the time to stabilize and feel better.

I thought I was feeling better enough to get off the meds. Apparently, my brain fooled me. I’m not okay and I’m not better. Well, I’m better than I was last year but I’m not there yet.

So, I called my doctor and we stopped the plan and she put me back on 20mg (I’d gone down to 15mg). Going lower and coming back up is just as much shit as it is to start doses and up them along the way. I’m crying half the time, over sensitive, anxious and annoyed all the time. I get angry easily but get stuck with my anger. I’m needy, whiny, susceptible. I’m a ticking fart bomb waiting to smell.

The worst part is, I wanted to try again with the weaning in September. But the pharmacist said I need to be stable six months before I try again. If I count it all, it takes me to January. FUCKING JANUARY!! *sigh*

I promise I won’t be like that all the time. I can’t even write properly which only makes things worst. Having no outlet is difficult. I read but still feel empty when I’m not creating.

So, yeah… You might have noticed that I missed a few days of my writing challenge. I’ll try again another month because right now, my head’s not in it.

And thanks for your patience… I know I’m annoying! But trust me, in person, it’s even worst.

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Trying

Sometimes, trying is all you can do.

Try not to cry.

Try to work.

Try to write.

Try to breathe.

Most days, these days, I don’t feel like I’m trying enough. For anything. I try to be there, to be a good friend, to not feel so lonely. I try to be patient to adopt my kitten. I try to not let anxiety take over.

Nothing feels enough. Not a damn thing. I feel like I’m in people’s faces, clinging to every single word so I’ll be acknowledged.

I hate feeling/being like this. Like I can’t manage all alone. Like I need encouragement to do everything. What is this? When did I become like this? An introvert shouldn’t need others so much, right?

It feels like I can’t breathe some days; like I’m useless and invisible.

So all I can do is try. Until I can’t anymore.

June writing challenge Day 14

A lyric that speaks to you.

This should be clear as an answer.

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I had this tattooed… I don’t even remember how long ago. It’s a line from The Cave by Mumford & Sons. To me, it simply means that whatever’s going on, good or bad but mostly bad, I can always have hope and I can hold on to it.

It reminds me of my grandfather as well, but I can’t even tell you why. It just does.

June writing challenge Day 13

A place you’d love to visit

It’s never been a secret that I’m dying to go to England, visiting London and Stonehenge, then drive up to Scotland.

But that’s always been known.

Italy is a place that has appealed to me for a long time, stupidly enough because of their pasta and the canals. How cliché am I, right?

Australia is among my top choices as well. It’s sunny and exotic in some way. I have lovely friends there but there’s also bugs ready to kill me in my sleep.

Japan, when the cherry trees blossom, is something I’d love to see someday.

And someday, someday I’d like to see Santorini Island in Greece. My first mythology love was the Greek one and seriously, have you seen the water there? It’s crystal clear and I need a swim!

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June writing challenge: Day 12

Your favorite song last year

Uuuugh, song challenges are hard for me seeing I work with music all the time. There were many amazing albums that came our in 2016 like the soundtracks from Suicide Squad and Deadpool.

Adele’s album ’25’ came out in 2015 and my favorite song on it never came out as a single so I can’t even consider it.

ARGH! This is hard!!!

But I’d say this one, since I still love it as much as I did when it came out and I still sing it when I hear it.

June writing challenge days 10-11

I missed another day… *shakes head* I had a really busy day yesterday so I couldn’t get to my computer in time.

Find the ellipsis in a photo

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Someone you’d like to meet

Only one? It’s a hard pick because there are many people I’d like to meet for many reasons. Some to tell them how they inspire me, others to thank them for their amazing work.

But the top of my list has been the same for years. I’d like to meet Tom Hiddleston only to tell him how much he inspired me to get back to writing.

I hadn’t written in years when I saw an interview in which he talked about Shakespeare and writing, but also to follow your passions in life.

I picked up a pen not long after that and never let go. Some days are harder but I’m still doing it!

June writing challenge Day 8 & 9

Apologies for missing yesterday. I had a really bad day.

Day 8 : Favorite quote

I had mine tattooed a few years ago 🙂

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Day 9 : Something yellow to support suicide prevention

A picture I took in a sunflower field about ten years ago. Still a favorite of mine.

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June writing challenge: Day 7

A skill you’d like to learn

I’m a music lover through and through. I grew up on ABBA with my mother and lots of traditional music with my father.

Then came my stepfather who opened my eyes and ears to 60s and 70s classic. Only then did I realize that musically, I wasn’t born in the right decade. I love rocking out to Heart, Styx, Led Zeppelin, and so on.

Which means that at some point in my life, I’ve wanted to play an instrument. Guitar, bass, and drums were always my favorite but as my tastes in music changed and expanded, I discovered cello.

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The deep vibrating sound of it just gets me to my bones whenever I listen to it. I feel like I’m transported to another world and I can just lose myself in it.

Thing is, although I believe you’re never too old to learn new things, I don’t think I could take this on at thirty-five years old. Why? Paaaatience!! I’m such an impatient woman that learning to read music THEN play it? I’d be kidding myself.

But hey, I learned to loom last year. One thing per year is good. I just need to find something for 2017!

June writing challenge Day 6 + confession

A food you could eat forever

There are any but cheese and chocolate are on the top of the list. If chocolate cheese existed, I’d probably like it, too.

Food has always been an issue for me, as long as I can remember. Now that I’ve gone to therapy, I know why. I’m an emotional eater. I use food as a reward. And I can’t even write this past tense because I still do it, much to my dismay.

Old habits die hard. When I’m sad, I want to eat. When I’m happy, I want to eat. When I’m tired, my hormones make me want to eat. It’s like there’s no ending to it. Working on this is an everyday battle. Looking at me, you already know that.

It’s very hard to stop myself. But don’t misunderstand; I’m not an overeater. That’s a very different thing. I know when to stop and I can stop. It’s the emotions leading to me wanting to eat that are hard to control. Happy, sad, confused. Whatever reason is valid.

You know that quote that said, “Stop rewarding yourself with food, you’re not a dog.”? Yeah, I still have a hard time getting that drilled into my brain. Even writing this, I’m eating, though it’s dinner and it’s a healthy salad.

Like I said, every damn day battle. It’s either that or disconnecting from my emotions. But I’m not a robot…so I have to deal.

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June writing challenge: Day 5

A favorite memory

Any memory containing my grandparents is a happy and/or favorite memory.

My grandmothers taught me how to cook and bake before my parents took over. The smell of fresh bread out of the oven always brings me back to them, same for warm berry pies.

They played cards with me for countless hours, teaching me games I now teach kids I know.

They taught me to speak my mind, that a woman’s place wasn’t always in the kitchen. But for the life of me, neither of them ever managed to teach me knitting correctly! I just can’t get it right!

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My grandfather on my mother’s side, I have lesser memories of him since he died when I was nine. But my fonder memories are with him; cuddling against his big belly to watch wrestling on TV, listening to him play harmonica, or watching him cooking us French fries with a teal and white polka-dotted apron.

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My grandfather on my father’s side was my rock. Calm and steady against anything, sensitive and caring. I loved that I was his only granddaughter for five years. I got him all to myself, his strong hand holding mine. I just remember him sitting in the den, surrounded by his family, or singing proudly Oh, Holy Night in church at Christmas – the only reason I went to church.

What is your fondest memory?